If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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