She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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