So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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