I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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