why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
