she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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