so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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