You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
