I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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