haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
