she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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