well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
