I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
