Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
