I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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