When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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