if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just pee around me
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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