that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He kissed a someone with a penis
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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