I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
