Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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