John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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