His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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