If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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