If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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