I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
