see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
