so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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