When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
