i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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