When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
