I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
