I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
