mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
