I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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