atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
