do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
