im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
