I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
