last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
