If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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