How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
