In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
