Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
