how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
