I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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