I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
