I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
They left me at home... I'm a liability
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
