i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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