I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
