somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Four minutes until I can fart!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
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I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
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I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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