My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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