I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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