just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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