Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
