My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
