i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
