I feel like I'm in dance class right now
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
