her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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