i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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