So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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